This was a mistake. Huft.
But there's no other living way than to overcome it. It feels very hard.
I think I want to thank and apologize to my friends and all acquaintances for knowing me. I don't know if I can go through, but at least I have to try. I don't have a strong will now to decide anything. I know I need to, but I can't believe what I decide and what I do. So I don't know again everytime I'm right or wrong.
Let's focus on positive things. Now I'm still breathing. I can take off this burden. I've apologized a little to someone, and we forgive each other. I still have friends. My friends give smiles to me, and they're kind. Some close friends are accepting after many times I give them dissapointment, maybe. I still have my two hands and two feet. Now I have so much more time I can use to read something or maybe to write something.
Deep down in my heart, honestly, I feel loss and cowardice. I can't lie, I can't change it neither. I don't have a strategy. I'm afraid to lose the only big dream I tried so hard to keep. I held it for more than ten years. Now I'm losing it all because of me.
I'm failing to take that victory.
I'm trying to believe there's still another door preparing to be opened by me. I really wish. I want to prove to myself that I'm something to this world. I don't want to be just another oxygen sucker and waster. And I hope that I can hold on you, myself, until I reach that point. I don't know, figuring out the future is still a major problem for me. Every feelings are unpredictable. Life is unexpectable, too.
Raining marks the tone of my emotion right now. Suicide feeling still haunts me sometimes, and then it's gone. I have fear of dying. And I don't know how to kill myself effectively. And the consequences. So I guess I'll just keep walking. I don't want to sleep all the time. I hate sleeping.
